choosingchange — Counselling Sydney CBD
Breaking up...
It is a truism that breaking up is hard to do. Here are a few ideas to help make it a bit smoother... whether you are the breaker or the breakee.
Finding ways to make breaking up easier.
Often in breaking up the news comes as a shock to one of the partners. This sometimes amazes the one who is instigating the break-up. Why? Because the instigator has probably been thinking about it for months, sometimes years, but has said nothing. Or, the instigator may have not even realised the idea was on their mind, but when voiced, it sounds and feels so right that they can't think that things could be any other way.
Out loud for the first time
For the person hearing this news, out loud for the first time, it naturally is a shock. This is not to say that the signs were not there for sometime... just that when we are in love, when we are committed to a relationship, breaking up is the last thing on our mind. Mostly we are trying to make things work, even when they are manifestly not working.
Why breaking up is so hard to do...
When we are in a relationship, a union, a partnership, in love or when we love someone, all the time we are benefiting by the relationship. Incomes are shared, costs are shared, companionship is always available, sexual intimacy is common, expanding our friendship group/s occurs, we are happy and contented, we have someone to share the future with... as long as things are going well.
Losing benefits
When relationships begin to fail, we are faced with losing a lot of those benefits. Mostly we are faced being alone in the world and that is often the last thing we want... unless it is exactly what we want.
The dilemma occurs when one wants to be alone and the other wants to be
together. This is when it becomes a hard time for one and both partners.
When the agreement is no longer worth the paper it is written on then what
can you do to make it easier.
first steps
One of the first steps is to realise that this is not the end of your world. Just because one relationship is ending does not mean you will never find love and friendship and the special soul mate you want. It just means this is not the one. (If you are constantly forming relationships that last short periods you may want to look at what is drawing you to people that you always eventually break up with.)
If you think this is the one true love of your life
It is worth remembering that even if you do think this is the one true love of your life, and you will do anything to keep your partner interested, there is no way you will always be able to do that... because if your partner is no longer in love with you or no longer loves you "in that way" then there is nothing you can do to keep them tied to you. Except by tying them to you. And believe me, when someone has the feeling that you have tied them up, tied them to you, then the first thing, and the thing mostly on their mind, will be to find a way to escape you.
Our greatest expectations can be the greatest source of our disappointments
When we find ourselves attracted to somebody often we think that this person is going to fulfil all our dreams... be the perfect partner. This is a myth. No one person will give you everything. To put all your eggs in one basket will inevitably lead to disappointment. Our greatest expectations can be the greatest source of our disappointments. By concentrating all our efforts and reliance on one person the pressure is really on... on for that other person. If they don't produce the goods, they will have failed you. You will add more pressure and eventually... things will blow-up.
.Self-esteem and breaking up...
How much of your self-esteem is tied up with your partner liking or loving you? Or the perception you think your friends have of you breaking up? Or how much of your self-esteem and self-confidence is invested in being in "a" relationship... no matter what kind as long as you have partner?
"other half"
If you are only a whole person when you are with your "other half" then you are setting yourself up for failure. Because, there will always come a time when your "better half" is not around. I cringe when ever I hear the popular culture (usually pop songs) talk of "making me whole", "completing me", "you are my every dream"... and I am a romantic sentimental fool... but I always want to be a whole person without being propped up by anyone.
To be in union
This does not mean I want to be completely independent and alone in the
world, because I believe humans (of all colours, shapes, descriptions,
denominations, persuasions, sex, age and political belief system) desire
to be in union with other people... and sometimes that is one person, one
very special person.
when we will do anything
Finding one person to share our lives with seems to be a common goal for all of humankind. The dilemma arises when our need for this out-shines and over-rides common sense values we hold dear to our own hearts. When we will do anything to have "a" relationship then sometimes we fall into the trap of making the person we are standing near a substitute for our dreams and romantic wishes... even if that other person is clearly not the one to help you fulfil your goals.
Differentiation of Self
An issue sometimes raised in Individual Counselling which may be a help when you are breaking up.
Philip Johnson operates the
choosingchange
clinic from 147 King Street,
Sydney CBD.
choosingchange
, Counselling Sydney CBD,
Relationship Psychotherapy Sydney, Smart Couples... serving the Sydney CBD and the
Eastern Suburbs and North Sydney — including Surry Hills, Bondi
Junction, Darling Point, Woollahra, Edgecliff,
Kings Cross, Double Bay, Paddington, Paddington, Potts Point, Darlinghurst,
Central, Broadway, Chippendale, Ultimo, Pyrmont, Redfern, North Sydney,
Lavender Bay, McMahons Point. For more information
Contact.
1300 667 996
02 9362 3025
0425 281 251or Call back — No cost to you
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Suite 510, Level 5
147 King Street
Sydney CBD NSW 2000
Between Pitt
& Castlereagh Streets
Opposite MLC Center
Minutes from Town Hall,
Martin Place and Wynyard
Parking at MLC Center
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Mindfulness
Mindfulness plays a significant part in a counselling process where you will participate toward discovering different ways of being in your world. Mindfulness has varied meanings and my understanding of it is from a Buddhist tradition after the time of Lao Tzu (circa Fifth Century BC).
Mindfulness involves nonbeing and nondoing which introduce and support the essence of nonviolence... being in the here-and-now... nonbeing denotes allowing the self to be in space free from judgment, free from influence, free from fear and shame and free to embrace everything.
Nondoing indicates not interfering or to do only things that are meaningful and have significance in-the-moment.
Nonviolence is the here-and-now, what is happening in this moment, being alert and relaxed at the same time. In some sense it has similarities with the "at peace" state people encounter after meditation.
The here-and-now or mindfulness concept allows therapist and client to honestly and bravely encounter issues that may be stumbling blocks in life transitions... life transitions we all face.
How we handle these transitions is indicative of how well we know ourselves and perhaps how well we face our shortcomings or incorporate our shadow or dark side of our character.
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