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choosingchange  — Counselling Sydney CBD

Couples and Marriage counselling...

Relationships

Couple Counselling
Marriage Counselling
Relationship Counselling
Couple therapy
Coaching sessions for couples

Mostly we spend our time in relationship with other people.   Of all your relationships, your commitment to your intimate partner is probably one of the most important aspects of your life.  Or is it? Finding out the answer to this can change your attitudes toward your relationship.

Recognising that our primary relationship is with ourselves, and how we feel about ourselves strongly influences how we relate to others.

Not to put too fine a point on this ... knowing yourself is critical to knowing others. 
See notes on the importance of self in relationships...

Counselling for couples can include working individually or together.   The first sessions show how you are already relating, the dynamics  that operate within the system of your relationship.

If your partner decides not to come to counselling you are still able to affect changes in the relationship with your individual work.

 When counselling for relationships we will be looking at the dynamics within the system of the relationship.  This system may include people other than your intimate partner... it may also include things outside the influence of people.  For instance, work commitments may be a primary cause of conflict within your relationship

 

Relationships — a most important part of your life

By carefully examining your relationships, you can learn how to face the issues that come along with the joys and your attempts to fulfill your dreams. Smart couples know that the path to having a great relationship is self examination and self discovery.

Several areas will be discussed in the therapy sessions, which are viewed as a collaborative endeavour... including

• where do "we" focus our attention toward change... by finding out what are the issues, what is happening in the relationship
• "we" will endeavour to discover what you think is healthy functioning in your relationship and what you think is the end goal of the therapy
• "we" will uncover the things you will need to do in order to gravitate toward a healthier relationship.
• ...the One word that is often left out of couple and marriage therapy... LOVE...
• The fostering and encouraging of loving, unconditional regard for the loved one is sometimes forgotten when problems emerge in our relationship.

Limmerance

All in the name of love, desire for love, need for love, lack of self-love.

It is as if we forget why we came together in the first place. In the beginning, when we first meet, it is if we are blinded by our loving feelings.  This is called limmerance and is the result of high levels of dopamine, norepinephrine (adrenalin) and serotonin  produced by the body in the attraction stages of relationships.  After a few days/weeks/months (depending on the persons involved) other aspects of the loved one's personality are seen. 

These newly observed character traits are sometimes not acceptable and if our need for attachment is sometimes greater than our need for a satisfying relationship  we will remain in the relationship in order to fulfill this "greater" need.   This can lead to anxiety and frustration, old anger issues surfacing and a general discontentment, even depression.

If the relationship continues under these conditions, complicated by children, work pressures, financial commitments (generally undertaken with the desire to cement and shore-up the relationship) fissures and eruptions occur, leading to break-ups, separation, divorce and acrimony.

Pre-marriage counselling

Marriage (or any long-term relationship commitment) can be a most rewarding journey. Pre-marital counselling (pre marriage counselling), helps to build a secure footing for this critical aspect of your life and is not usually part of anyone's education. Even living with another person in a share house environment can threaten relationships. Imagine what happens when that person you are having difficulties with is you most intimate partner! Someone you are committing to be with for ever.

Being aware (mindful) of things that can make a difference to successfully negotiating partnership transitions — (from dating to lovers to partners to husband and wife or de-facto partners) can make the journey a joy, even if "challenging."

Read more...

Coaching for couples

A critical part of couple counselling or coaching is establishing each partner's own self-esteem. A strong foundation for building a partnership comes from the strength of each person. Needy or co-dependant relationships have difficulties because the relationship is more about what is holding each partner up rather than what the partners are doing to support the relationship. Sometimes Couple Therapy is held with the individuals on their own.

choosingchange Couple Counselling Sydney (and Gay Couple Counseling) offers support and counsel within a climate of individual coaching to engender a spirit of enquiry to bring about a raft of strategies that you can take away with you and use for the rest of your life. These are not necessarily new ideas but ideas that will make a huge difference if you are willing to explore them. In the real world few of us realise the power we have to make real and significant changes in our lives simply by becoming aware of the choices we have simply by exploring your expectations and your core values.

Differentiation

Are you looking for the same or similar things as your partner? It is surprising the number of times couples discover after many years in a relationship their partner holds vastly different political or social views.

• How many times do you say yes just to keep the peace, or just to keep your partner interested in you?
• Are your personalities matching or contradicting each other? People who like to laze around on the weekends are not going to like going to parties or entertaining at home all the time. Find out now what each of you want and your lives will be much more fulfilled after your commitment ceremony.
• What aspects of your family background can give you clues to how you will be in a relationship? The expression The Crowded Bed refers to how much our mothers and fathers (and sometimes our grandparents and even their parents) or siblings influence our daily relationships.
• What buttons does your partner push? Are you ignoring them in these early stages of your relationship just to keep the peace? How does this impact further down the line? What can you do to make this less impact?
• What colour are your partner's eyes?
• Does your partner know the colour of your eyes?

Read More...

Other areas discussed in relationship counselling include

• How to resolve conflict
• How alcohol and other drugs rate in coping with stress in partnerships
• What to do when your friends have children and you do not
• What happens if you can not have children
• What about when your children arrive in your life
• What can you do when financial commitments engulf your intimacy
• How to live with jealousy
• Find ways to challenge your assumptions about yourself and your partner
• How being assertive and speaking for yourself make a difference

Gay and lesbian couples counselling

Counselling gay and lesbian individuals and couples sometimes requires specialised information and experience. While all adolescents are facing developmental issues, where homosexually oriented youth have special needs.

Indeed, anyone questioning their sexuality require careful counselling from counsellors and therapist who are experienced in this area.

Gay couple counselling requires counsellors who have come to terms with their own feelings and reactions to homosexuality. They are the people who have processed their own issues for the better to deal with clients who are facing ridicule, contempt and prejudices from their peer groups and families.
Read more...

 

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Mindfulness

Mindfulness plays a significant part in a counselling process where you will participate toward discovering different ways of being in your world. Mindfulness has varied meanings and my understanding of it is from a Buddhist tradition after the time of Lao Tzu (circa Fifth Century BC).

Mindfulness involves nonbeing and nondoing which introduce and support the essence of nonviolence... being in the here-and-now... nonbeing denotes allowing the self to be in space free from judgment, free from influence, free from fear and shame and free to embrace everything.

Nondoing indicates not interfering or to do only things that are meaningful and have significance in-the-moment.

Nonviolence is the here-and-now, what is happening in this moment, being alert and relaxed at the same time. In some sense it has similarities with the "at peace" state people encounter after meditation.

The here-and-now or mindfulness concept allows therapist and client to honestly and bravely encounter issues that may be stumbling blocks in life transitions... life transitions we all face.

How we handle these transitions is indicative of how well we know ourselves and perhaps how well we face our shortcomings or incorporate our shadow or dark side of our character.

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