Handling unrequited love
Its a type of love not much talked about these days… What with SCRUFF and GRINDR and TINDER and eHARMONY …. thousands of other apps and online connectups allowing you to move in-and-out of hookups with just a swipe.
When you do fall for someone and they don’t fall for you (or they stop falling for you) it can be a very painful experience. Life can sometimes seem unbearable if your love is not reciprocated.
What’s it like to realise your adorable boyfriend or girlfriend is just no longer interested?
What happens to you when this occurs … tiredness, shame, depression, anxiety…. accompanied with bad sleep and lowered resistance to colds and flu. Mostly it can feel pretty overwhelming and self-doubt may creep into your everyday thinking.
What can you do?
Talk to someone. Talk to friends and parents where possible. Talk to a relationship counsellor who will be able to go through all the possible scenarios you have going on your mind. and there will probably be many.
Romanticised understandings of how relationships operate are mostly to blame for humans believing they must have a partner and that that partner will save them from all kinds of terrible fates. Usually this idea you have is an image you have manufactured and projected on top the beloved. Do you really know this person?
Falling in love is entirely a wonderful process…mad about them…. crazy for their touch….. can’t wait to see them…. cant stand a minute without them…. all these tell you only one thing… you are setting yourself up to be dependant on the beloved making your life worthwhile.
Finding ways to distract yourself from this obsessive thinking about your loved one is a must. Once you start doing other things you will find you are thinking about “love” less-and-less. And that’s the object of this lesson. Thinking less about love will enable you to move forward to things that are productive.
Is there something wrong with a person who gets obsessive around love? It may be the sign of you thinking you lack certain things that this “lover” will bring you…. complete you. This problem of being incomplete and needing another to make you whole is an old story.
Falling in love with an impossible lover may also be a sign of you not wanting to fully commit… you choose someone unable to be present, unwilling to truly share their life with you. The complaint you make is they they won’t commit, however, you stay on complaining. The better action might be to cut and run. If your lover is unwilling, unable or just plain “not interested” why waste your energy.
Why romantic love becomes problem love is the nub of the dilemma. Many relationships begin where you perceive you are not a whole person. You see the beloved as the answer to your every prayer. The beloved fulfils your needs to the brim and beyond. Why wouldn’t you want to be wrapped up their cosy arms.
Self growth and faith in a future without needing love is critical if you are to live fully. Once you get a handle on this concept you will be able to enjoy falling in and out of love as easily as you lear to ride a bike and fall of and get back on… scratched knees, maybe. What, look, you’re riiding again.