Counseling Sydney CBD — Relationships

To relate well is to live well

Expectations

A frustrating thing to learn is that your expectations can be the source of your biggest frustrations. Knowing this, and knowing how to deal with it, can change the way you relate to the important people in your life.

Imagine if you woke up this morning expecting your dreams to be realised. How would you feel when you went to the bathroom and saw in the mirror your old self, not the one you dreamed you had become?

We all know that when we look in the mirror and see the person as we are and that the dream was just that, a dream. Yet how often do we see our loved ones as if they are the fulfillment of our dreams? What does this tell us?

It tells me that when my loved one does not act the way I expect (how I have dreamed or imagined he/she would) I will be disappointed.

My realisation unrealistic expectations can lead me to disappointment.

A loved one may be your daughter, your son, your mother or father, your lover or your neighbour. Maybe even the man who sells you your newspaper or makes your coffee every day.

Making changes in your relationships

What if I changed my expectations? I know I will never be able to change anyone to be how I want them to be. I can only ever change

what I want
how I feel
how I act
how I believe

Now, expectations can be the source of my greatest joy.

Couples sometimes seek pre-marital counselling to ensure a solid foundation for their relationship, their coming marriage or commitment ceremony. Pre-empting issues, enables the couple (whether in a marriage or de-facto relationship) to move more easily from the limmerance or honeymoon stage to a more substantial relationship. In early relationship stages there is lot of acting and pretending. In order to be loved or liked all of us do things to make the other person happy.

Problems arise when we are not primarily making ourselves happy. Pre-marital (or pre-relationship) counselling helps people discover the real reasons why they want to be together. Becoming aware, being mindful and being alert to issues allows early resolution and establishes a pattern that can last the entire relationship. Long lasting relationships often refer to the openness between partners as being a critical ingredient.

The self, togetherness and separateness

All successful relationships have the components of separateness and togetherness. The push and pull of relationships is just that. Being in touch with others allows us to have connection, feel support, share ideas and experiences, be loving and kind, thoughtful and considerate. Yet there is the ongoing desire to have our own space and ideas and time alone.

It is this latter desire that often confuses us to believe that this is a feeling of selfishness and raises the guilt and perceived condemnation of others. I say perceived because when we examine these issues most of would admit to wanting to get our own time and space alone.

The ambiguity of considering the self above the ones we love is expressed beautifully by Yajnavalkya —

"Truly, not for the sake of the husband is the husband dear, but a husband is dear for the sake of the self. Truly, not for the sake of the wife is the wife dear, but a wife is dear for the sake of the self. Truly, Oh Maitreyi, it is the self that should be seen, heard of, reflected on and meditated upon. Truly, by seeing, hearing, thinking and by understanding the self, all this is known."

SOURCE: The Kriya Yoga Institute

Knowing yourself is critical to knowing others. Being in command of the self is paramount to being of any use, at all, to others. Being able to experience the separateness in relationships not only give you the freedom to be at peace but also your partner. A balance occurs. This is related to Differentiation of self...

Internet and pornography and relationships

There are some interesting facts being discussed regarding how internet pornography is changing our relationships. Men especially are reporting a compulsion or addiction to pornography on the internet.

The ease with which highly sexualised images are obtainable with just a few clicks of the mouse makes this an issue. Usually the images (usually viewed by men) are degrading and demeaning images of women.

...intimidated and worthless...

Women report they are feeling intimidated, worthless and powerless because they can never compete with these images. Their sexual acts with their partners are increasingly dictated by the acts seen on the screen.

Years ago we were not subjected to these influences. Pornography has always existed. It is the explicit detail and prolific nature of these images that is beginning to detrimentally change the way we see each other.

Men also often report that they cannot compete... men in pornography usually have a large penus and this is affecting their self-esteem.

...partner left to own devices...

Not only are the actual sexual practices changing (men expecting and even demanding anal sex or coming on their partner's face) but the fact that many men are spending hours in front of their monitor masturbating alone. The partner left out of this picture wonders what they have to do to regain intimacy with the man (usually) they married or partnered up with. The left out partner has to resort to their own resources to even get any sex... a killer to intimacy in any relationship.

However, often internet and pornography are combined secretly. Many partners are not able to even identify what is wrong, except to feel or think they are no longer "attractive" or compatible with their partner. If your relationship is already foundering, pornography and the internet are like a secret affair. Usually the pornography is just one of many signs of an unhealthy relationship.

...people change in relationships...

Many men are sucked into the habit without realising the implications on their relationships. After a few years in any relationship people change. If people become unhappy with their partner's sexual responsiveness one way of sparking a flagging sex life can legitimately be the use of toys or pornography... with your partner. Not that there is anything wrong with solo masturbation if it is additional to one-to-one sexual activity.

Compulsive internet pornographic use is signified by

a sense of not being in control,
thinking about going online a lot of the time,
losing a sense of what is right and what is wrong in sexual relationships,
letting fantasies get in the way of intimacy,
forming inappropriate relationships online,
lying about internet use in order to disguise your preoccupations,
depression and loss of energy unless in front of the monitor,
thinking about getting on line a lot of the time.

It is often the time spent online alone that gives away the pornography commitment. A quick look through the browsers history may prove that someone has been visiting sites providing images and video clips of explicit sexual activity.

Generally people are seeking relief from unhappiness or low self-esteem when they are participating in behaviour that is alienating rather than bringing together.

Early intervention through talking it over with your partner or counselling can usually alleviate the major ramifications of this kind of behaviour.