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Relaxing to control your reactions

Self soothing is an issue discussed often in counselling where a person has difficulty dealing with things that are happening (happening to them) that are distressing.

Something someone says or does or an incident that occurs around them can cause someone to react out of perspective to the situation or the people involved.

Enabling a cue to take you into a safe place and perhaps put on hold, for a while, the distressing feelings, may help you deal with these times and also will definitely help you deal with overreacting and blaming or confusing your partner or friends with your feelings.

When we feel bad we often try try deal with this by blaming someone else.

Visualising or imagining you are in a safe place, not affected by the things going on around you, can be helpful to improve your ability to self-sooth and improve your intimacy and connection with your partner of friends or family.

Decide on a couple of things before you start this process...

  1. What are you calling this safe place and
  2. What will it do for you when you can put yourself (in your head) there?

Process...

BREATHE ... SEE ... HEAR ... FEEL ... TOUCH ... SMELL ... TASTE

    This exercise will need to be practiced many times in order for you to be able to click your fingers or tap your forehead (two ways to instantly go to your safe place, you will choose your cue later). Practice is the key. Once you have it down pat you will be free to choose to go there anytime.

  1. Sit comfortably in a chair that offers you back support... overall it is your comfort that determines where and how you sit. You may experiment with this until you find the right place for you.

  2. Close your eyes and do some deep breathing... approximately breath in about twice as fast as you breath out... pausing a few seconds at each end of that...
    • Breath IN through your nose ... one, two, three ...
    • PAUSE: one, two, three ...
    • Breath OUT through your mouth ... one, two, three, four, five ...
    • PAUSE: one, two, three, four ...
    • REMEMBER TO MAKE YOUR OWN RYTHM .. make it comfortable for yourself ... you should not be light headed at any stage.

  3. Once you are comfortable with this process and feel relaxed, continue breathing slowly and soothingly for the rest of the exercise but not concentrating on your breathing

    If you notice you are breathing fast of sweating or any other physical sensation that is uncomfortable, resume the process in 2.

  4. Once you are "in" the space that you have created (at this stage it is merely nothing except peaceful and clear) begin to imagine (see with your mind) the kind of place that you would like to be if and when you could always be safe and at peace.

    For some people this may be outside on a tropical island, for others it may be an oak paneled room... it is up to you to decide which is the most comfortable and peaceful place to be.

  5. Identify what you see... shape of trees, colour of sea, sky, wall coverings, furniture coverings, what books are on the shelves or on the table... all the details that you can see. Cloudy or sunny; bright or subdued light; lots of people around or none or few; breeze blowing the curtains or leaves...

    Don't be too worried about making this absolutely perfect the first few times you do this. I suggest you go through this process anytime you have a few minutes.. on the bus or waiting for someone, on your walk in the park, take a few minutes off to practice... and each time you go there add another detail (I just added a red ball for my dog in my place as I wrote this sentence) so eventually you will have a place that is rich in detail and a pleasure to go to when you feel stressed.

  6. Now identify what you hear ... waves crashing, people chattering, dog barking, music playing, sound of wind blowing leaves...

  7. Now imagine what you can feel ... wind blowing on your face, sun heating your skin, breeze cooling you...

  8. Now imagine touching ... the feel of the fabric of your shirt or the cushion you are sitting on, the sand on your bare fee, the apple in your hand...

  9. Now imagine smelling ... the smell of the sea or fresh linen, food on the table, an apple or banana...

  10. Now imagine your taste ...can you taste the sea on the breeze, the apple in your hand...

  11. This nearly final stage brings together all of the above... allowing yourself to savour and "taste" if you like all that you have created.... spend a few minutes revisiting all the things that you have placed in your scene.

    Do not worry about remembering everything that you have created this first time... at each visit during the practices (I recommend at least once a day for two weeks) you will consolidate and add to the scene. You may even change the scene by imaging a banana instead of an apple because you are better at doing that.

    Link things like the colour, taste, shape and holding of the apple or the feel of the cool breeze on your skin as the sun feels hot on you...

    Do not be afraid to change things... colours, items, place of things, size of things, what the dog is doing, what the people are doing... make it a living breathing thing that changes. After all, the exercise is all about changing the way you feel so do that here as well.

  12. FINAL STAGE: As you take a look over your shoulder at the scene you have created, turn away and walk away for ten or so steps leaving it behind, safe to be returned to at any time and with each step (no longer looking back) focus on your breathing... deep breaths as in the beginning to back to normal breathing.

    Open your eyes and look around you and remember what you have just done.

  13. CONSOLIDATE by creating a trigger to take you into your safe place... a tap on your forehead or knee, a word that takes you there... personally I simply...

...glance to my left and a little down and there is my banana chair, white banana chair, waiting for me to sit on, beside a big box of books ready for me to choose one for a good read, an Agatha Christie novel in there somewhere, a glass of juice on the table beside it and the dog playing with a red ball over yonder as I settle into the chair and relax...

Practice the process outlined above until you can use your trigger to be there immediately. If you are seeing me in the counselling room we can practice this together and refine the process.

 

 


Philip Johnson operates the choosingchange clinic at 147 King Street, Sydney CBD.
choosingchange , Counselling Sydney CBD, Relationship Psychotherapy Sydney, Smart Couples... serving the Sydney CBD and the Eastern Suburbs and North Sydney — including Surry Hills, Bondi Junction, Darling Point, Woollahra, Edgecliff, Kings Cross, Double Bay, Paddington, Paddington, Potts Point, Darlinghurst, Central, Broadway, Chippendale, Ultimo, Pyrmont, Redfern, North Sydney, Lavender Bay, McMahons Point. For more information Contact.