Your expectations can be the source of your biggest frustrations. Smart Couples know this… and knowing how to deal with it, can change the way you relate to the important people in your life, especially your partner. Relationship counselling or marriage counselling helps you identify and resolve issues. Gay and lesbian counselling is also available.
Imagine if you woke up this morning expecting your dreams to be realised. How would you feel when you went to the bathroom and saw in the mirror your old self, not the one you dreamed you had become?
We all know that when we look in the mirror and see the person as we are and that the dream was just that, a dream. Yet how often do we see our loved ones as if they are the fulfilment of our dreams? What does this tell us?
It tells me that when my loved one does not act the way I expect (how I have dreamed or imagined he/she would) I will be disappointed.
My realisation unrealistic expectations can lead me to disappointment. Some times, divorce counselling can help.
A loved one may be your daughter, your son, your mother or father, your lover or your neighbour. Maybe even the man who sells you your newspaper or makes your coffee every day.
Making changes in your relationships — why relationship psychotherapy or counselling can help you…
What if I changed my expectations? I know I will never be able to change anyone to be how I want them to be. I can only ever change
- what I want
- how I feel
- how I act
- how I believe
Now, expectations can be the source of your greatest joy.
The principles expanded upon in couple counselling include
- understanding your self, being aware of your feelings and thoughts and using mindfulness to allow better relating processes to occur
- seeing the good side of things rather than the bad things in your relationship
- having a greater understanding and appreciation of your your partner’s finer points (good and bad)
- better controlling your impulses and understanding how your emotions are are at play
- realising that when things are difficult it is often better to walk away and think about things before launching into attach mode.
Couples sometimes seek pre-marital counselling to ensure a solid foundation for their relationship, their coming marriage or commitment ceremony. Pre-empting issues, enables the couple (whether in a marriage or de-facto relationship) to move more easily from the limerence or honeymoon stage to a more substantial relationship. In early relationship stages there is lot of acting and pretending. In order to be loved or liked all of us do things to make the other person happy.
Problems arise when we are not primarily making ourselves happy. Pre-marital (or pre-relationship) counselling helps people discover the real reasons why they want to be together. Becoming aware, being mindful and being alert to issues allows early resolution and establishes a pattern that can last the entire relationship. Long lasting relationships often refer to the openness between partners as being a critical ingredient.
The self, togetherness and separateness
All successful relationships have the components of separateness and togetherness. The push and pull of relationships is just that. Being in touch with others allows us to have connection, feel support, share ideas and experiences, be loving and kind, thoughtful and considerate. Yet there is the ongoing desire to have our own space and ideas and time alone.
It is this latter desire that often confuses us to believe that this is a feeling of selfishness and raises the guilt and perceived condemnation of others. I say perceived because when we examine these issues most of would admit to wanting to get our own time and space alone.
The ambiguity of considering the self above the ones we love is expressed beautifully by Yajnavalkya —
Truly, not for the sake of the husband is the husband dear, but a husband is dear for the sake of the self. Truly, not for the sake of the wife is the wife dear, but a wife is dear for the sake of the self. Truly, Oh Maitreyi, it is the self that should be seen, heard of, reflected on and meditated upon. Truly, by seeing, hearing, thinking and by understanding the self, all this is known.
SOURCE: The Kriya Yoga Institute
Knowing yourself is critical to knowing others. Being in command of the self is paramount to being of any use, at all, to others. Being able to experience the separateness in relationships not only give you the freedom to be at peace but also your partner. A balance occurs. This is related to Differentiation of self.