Counselling for breaking up
Often in breaking up the news comes as a shock to one of the partners. This sometimes amazes the one who is instigating the break-up. Why? Because the breaker has probably been thinking about it for months, sometimes years, but has said nothing. Or, the breaker may have not even realised the idea was on their mind, but when voiced, it sounds and feels so right that they can’t think that things could be any other way.
Out loud for the first time
For the person hearing this news, out loud for the first time, it naturally is a shock. This is not to say that the signs were not there for sometime… just that when we are in love, when we are committed to a relationship, breaking up is the last thing on our mind. Mostly we are trying to make things work, even when they are manifestly not working.
Why breaking up is so hard to do…
When we are in a relationship, a union, a partnership, in love or when we love someone, all the time we are benefiting by the relationship. Incomes are shared, costs are shared, companionship is always available, sexual intimacy is common, expanding our friendship group/s occurs, we are happy and contented, we have someone to share the future with… as long as things are going well.
When relationships begin to fail, we are faced with losing a lot of those benefits. Mostly we are faced being alone in the world and that is often the last thing we want… unless it is exactly what we want.
The dilemma occurs when one wants to be alone and the other wants to be together. This is when it becomes a hard time for one and both partners. When the agreement is no longer worth the paper it is written on then what can you do to make it easier.
One of the first steps is to realise that this is not the end of your world. Just because one relationship is ending does not mean you will never find love and friendship and the special soul mate you want. It just means this is not the one. (If you are constantly forming relationships that last short periods you may want to look at what is drawing you to people that you always eventually break up with.)
If you think this is the one true love of your life…
It is worth remembering that even if you do think this is the one true love of your life, and you will do anything to keep your partner interested, there is no way you will always be able to do that… because if your partner is no longer in love with you or no longer loves you “in that way” then there is nothing you can do to keep them tied to you. Except by tying them to you. And believe me, when someone has the feeling that you have tied them up, tied them to you, then the first thing, and the thing mostly on their mind, will be to find a way to escape you.
Our greatest expectations can be the greatest source of our disappointments…
When we find ourselves attracted to somebody often we think that this person is going to fulfil all our dreams… be the perfect partner. This is a myth. No one person will give you everything. To put all your eggs in one basket will inevitably lead to disappointment. Our greatest expectations can be the greatest source of our disappointments. By concentrating all our efforts and reliance on one person the pressure is really on… on for that other person. If they don’t produce the goods, they will have failed you. You will add more pressure and eventually… things will blow-up.
Self-esteem and breaking up…
How much of your self-esteem is tied up with your partner liking or loving you? Or the perception you think your friends have of you breaking up? Or how much of your self-esteem and self-confidence is invested in being in “a” relationship… no matter what kind as long as you have partner?
If you are only a whole person when you are with your “other half” then you are setting yourself up for failure. Because, there will always come a time when your “better half” is not around. I cringe when ever I hear the popular culture (usually pop songs) talk of “making me whole”, “completing me”, “you are my every dream”… and I am a romantic sentimental fool… but I always want to be a whole person without being propped up by anyone.
To be in union
This does not mean I want to be completely independent and alone in the world, because I believe humans (of all colours, shapes, descriptions, denominations, persuasions, sex, age and political belief system) desire to be in union with other people… and sometimes that is one person, one very special person.
when we will do anything
Finding one person to share our lives with seems to be a common goal for all of humankind. The dilemma arises when our need for this out-shines and over-rides common sense values we hold dear to our own hearts. When we will do anything to have “a” relationship then sometimes we fall into the trap of making the person we are standing near a substitute for our dreams and romantic wishes… even if that other person is clearly not the one to help you fulfil your goals.