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Ostracism – The Outsider
Sophie’s Choice – Eva
Some people talk of feeling alienated and being alone
The call from the outsider is frequently ignored. It is difficult for “people with friends” to understand the difficulty the outsider has making new friends. It is a state of mind that is probably born of childhood, family dynamics, early carer, school and college experiences where you did not fit in that is perpetuated into adulthood. Most influential, most powerful in future relationships, has been that early childhood dynamic. The result is often, for the ensuing adult, a feeling of loneliness deeper than can be known or imagined by others who do not have that same experience.
Coming to my mind is the image of Sophie in Sophie’s Choice being asked to choose between losing both children or choosing one to be exterminated. Sophie is an adult when this experience occurs, what else could she ever feel she is but an”outsider” for the rest of her life. And that is such an alienating experience that she never forgets it. It chases her forever.
Loneliness and the outsider phenomenon are often exacerbated by feelings of ostracism or feelings of being ignored or overlooked. When we are ignored or get the cold shoulder from friends or work colleagues, what can you do?
Feelings of ostracism has harmful effects on your health. When you are excluded there is often the feeling that you are being punished — for not fitting in with the group norms; not agreeing with someone in a position of power; not going ailing with an accepted cultural practice of a company or group.
People who are ostracised are often at a loss to know why it has happened. And it is very difficult to approach someone and ask why. Often the people exerting the act do not even know they are doing it.
A helpful way of finding out what is happening is to approach someone you have some trust in, the person you most connect with in the group, and and ask them if they perceive any issue which could account for you being excluded.
Failing that are there any people outside of the group whom you can trust to be straight with you about these questions? Seeking support from friends or relatives is good way to finding some unbiased information.
If you are cut-off from family and friends another way to get some clarity is to see a counsellor for a couple of sessions, just to see if you are doing anything to promote the issue.
choosingchange sessions include practical steps to help you with your issues… specialising in assertiveness, clear communication education and including hypnotherapy and creative visualisation to identify what you really want and then activities and methods to help you get it.
choosingchange theory reflects human nature by encouraging free thinking, spontaneity and conscientious decision making.