Relationships frequently present you with times when you are asked to make difficult choices. Should you agree in order to keep the peace or state your case knowing that your partner may not like your response?
(UN Secretary-General 1953–1961)
Dag Hammarskjöld (UN Secretary-General 1953–1961) — Never for the sake of peace, deny your experience or convictions.
Thinking you must make the other person happy will inevitably lead to you being unhappy. The resentment that builds up will lead to your life being coloured badly. Walls will spring up around you from all quarters and your relationships will fail to mature.
The undefended love position will enable you to be free to express your ideas and opinions, beliefs and convictions without resile. This encourages growth within yourself and with your partners, friends, colleagues.
Undefended love means holding true to yourself without the “but”…
“I love you, but I wish you wouldn’t annoy me.”
The first statement is cancelled by the second… it is a condition to the original and will leave the listener with a mixed message. If you want to criticise someone keep it separate from other statements.
“I love you.”
“I would prefer it if you did not annoy me. Is that ok for you?”
Employ the Short and Sweet method of having a conversations.
State you case clearly from the “I” position, respecting yourself: I love you
Honour the other, respecting them, by asking: How do you feel?
This way of having a conversation separates your stuff from the other person’s stuff. Things are clear. Misunderstandings fewer.